Who's Your Daddy Now?

We just celebrated yet another Father’s Day. This was the first one without my dad who passed in November, and it got me thinking, “So, who’s your daddy now?” 

No, not my actual daddy,  but the man - or men - who model what is best in a man, who show us right from wrong, and who we can hold up to our colleagues - and our children - as examples of best-in-class, modern leadership.

Disturbingly, we have so many examples of bad or, as some call it, “toxic”, manhood right now. The headlines, the radio waves, the podcast networks are filled with men who claim the “pendulum has swung too far” and that we, as a society, have become “soft” (ie: weak and feminine). This “manosphere” filled with its disgruntled ideology, does not just permeate cultural spaces—the political sphere has been co-opted by this belief system as well. We now have leaders telling us that "The fundamental weakness of Western civilization is empathy”, and a president who has turned his back on a half century of “soft” power diplomacy, identifying himself and his cabinet as a “strong power” administration.

This mindset is also permeating corporate America where 89% of leaders are men. During an interview on one of those “manosphere” podcasts, Meta CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, said the workplace has gone too far in its embrace of “feminine energy” and needs more “masculine energy”  including “cultures that celebrate aggression.” In other words, we need workplaces that are built more on “hard” power and less on the “soft” tactics that we have employed in the past decade or so.

The result? In the past year, we have seen a dramatic pullback of investment on and commitment to diversity, equity, and inclusion. From universities to non-profits to companies of every size, the words related to DEI are being erased. 

You may be saying, this is not new news. But neither is the deep alienation that men have been feeling in the workplace. In 2023, when I, along with a collection of incredibly insightful researchers and experts on men and masculinity, conducted a study of how men are experiencing and implementing inclusion in the workplace, the data was unsettling. 

In focus groups and during listening sessions, we heard men share their frustration that they weren’t getting the same support and training women and other traditionally underrepresented talent were receiving. “Where’s my DEI leadership program?” a number of white men asked. They told us opportunities for men had dried up. From the board room to the first line job, only “women, Blacks, or Hispanics need apply.” Of course, not everyone felt this way. This sense of alienation was expressed by only about a quarter of the men we spoke to. The rest? They were just confused. 

The muddled middle wanted to understand how they can continue to rise to the top, but also make room for others who haven’t previously been invited. They wondered how they can use their power to make change, but also make sure they, their sons, and other men, are not excluded from the rewards. 

The problem is that many men including Mark Zuckerberg, have confused gendered notions of “masculine” and “feminine” with the leadership tools of “hard” and “soft” power.

To clear up the confusion, let’s start with definitions. I reached out to my BFF, Claude, for some insight. According to Claude:

Soft power is the ability to influence others through attraction, persuasion, and appeal rather than coercion. It works by making others want what you want, drawing them toward your values, culture, policies, or vision. Examples include:

• Vision and Inspiration: Articulating a compelling future or purpose that makes people excited to contribute. Rather than mandating participation, soft power can make the work feel meaningful and worthwhile.

• Cross-Functional Collaboration: Building alliances and informal networks across departments. Someone might lack formal authority over other teams but gain influence through helpful partnerships and mutual support.

• Expertise and Knowledge Sharing: Someone who becomes influential by generously sharing knowledge, mentoring others, or being the go-to person for certain skills. Their power comes from others valuing their insights and wanting to learn from them.

• Recognition and Empowerment: Acknowledging others' contributions publicly, giving credit generously, and empowering team members to make decisions. This creates an environment where people want to perform well and support the leader.

Hard power relies on coercion and inducements to shape behavior. It relies on hierarchy to ensure others follow “the rules” and focuses on accountability and productivity, sometimes at all costs. Hard power says "do this or face consequences" or "do this and receive rewards." Examples include:

• Performance Reviews and Ratings: Using evaluation systems to reward compliance or penalize resistance. Employees modify behavior knowing their ratings affect promotions, raises, or job security.

• Compensation and Bonuses: Offering financial incentives tied to specific behaviors or outcomes, or withholding raises as leverage. "Complete this project successfully and you'll get a bonus" uses economic inducement.

• Disciplinary Actions: Written warnings, suspension, demotion, or termination threats to enforce compliance. The implicit message is "follow the rules or face consequences."

• Resource Control: Controlling budgets, staff allocations, or access to tools and information. A department head who approves or denies funding requests wields significant hard power over other teams.

• Hiring and Firing Decisions: The ultimate workplace hard power - the ability to bring people into or remove them from the organization entirely.

It's time we decouple “soft” power from women and female leadership and “hard” from men and male leadership.

“Soft” power is not more or less feminine and “hard” power is not more or less masculine. Both are simply tools that leaders can use to achieve their goals, align employees, and together accomplish the company's mission. Neither approach is wholly right or wholly wrong.

Lord Acton is famously known for his quote, "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely," which means both “soft” and “hard” power, when overused, can be corrosive. 

JeanAnn Nichols, my co-author of our best-selling book, Intentional Power, and partner in crime when it comes to teaching modern leadership to executives around the globe, explains that, “Soft power can lead to a workplace filled with ‘cupcakes and kisses’ but no real accountability.”  Meanwhile, Claude says that “Hard power is often necessary for organizational function, but when overused without soft power elements, it can create compliance without genuine engagement or innovation.”

Makes sense to me. All of those “hard” power tactics that companies and leaders are leaning on has decimated employee engagement and is pummeling potential profits. During a recent workshop on modern leadership that I gave to a group of senior executives in the financial services industry, I shared the most recent poll from Gallup which revealed a whopping 62% of employees are disengaged. The result? $8.9 trillion (!) in lost productivity across the globe.

But - and here’s the headline! - a critical exception to the rule was deep in Gallup’s research. The data revealed that those companies who instituted best practices when it came to supporting their employees were able to keep engagement high; 12x the global average. As Gallup reported, these workplaces are filled with leaders who believe “people are their greatest asset.”

A second study released last month by Fortune showed that those companies which put “forward thinking”, people-centric leadership at the core of their culture and mission consistently outperformed the S&P and the Dow over the past five years. There is no debate: focusing on - and investing in - people is good for business.

So what does focusing on people mean? Is it all just cupcakes and kisses? No. Savvy leaders know it means centering “soft” power and the human skills that are needed to bring them to life, while also enabling “hard” power structures that provide a foundation for decision making, disciplinary actions when misconduct occurs, and clarity around resource management and compensation. 

It means having leaders model the best of modern leadership by using their soft and hard power to cultivate thriving workplaces.  

In other words, it means both/and. 

Which brings me back to my search for a few good men. The good news is there are a myriad of examples of healthy manhood and modern leadership around us including men like Imran Ahmed, CEO of the Center for Countering Digital Hate (CCDH). 

I met Imran when I was in Washington DC to moderate a panel on Rethinking Masculinity for the John Hopkins Carey School of Business Gender and Work Institute summit last month. On our panel, Imran shared terrifying data on the impact of the “manosphere” on boys and men including a campaign on one feed encouraging incels (involuntarily celibate men) to rape women, except young girls, because, hey, that would be wrong. 

Imran started CCDH in 2019 after colleague and friend, British MP, Jo Cox, was murdered by a far-right terrorist who had been radicalized online. This horrific event, coupled with the rise of misogynistic, antisemetic, anti-Muslim, and anti-Black sentiment, revealed the the real-world consequences of online hate and misinformation. Today, the CCDH works to ensure advertisers and brands feel the economic and reputational pressure of supporting those platforms that allow hate and disinformation to flourish. To me, Imran is a model of moral leadership.

Sanjay Shukla, President and CEO of aTyr Pharma, is another example of a forward-thinking leader courageous enough to stand by and act on his convictions. Sanjay joined a second panel I moderated at the Carey Summit on how business leaders are putting principles over politics. He shared with the audience the many ways he continues to ensure diversity is at the core of his company. For example, when he joined the company, he was dismayed to realize there were no women on his board. The other board members shared that it was too hard to find a woman who could fit the bill. Sanjay didn’t agree. Now 3 of the 7 board members are women and his executive team is equally diverse. As Sanjay told the audience, “I don’t have an agenda. It’s quite simple: I want to attract and retain the best talent. It’s just good business practice” (yep, you’ve heard that before).

My friend and mentor, Brad Johnson, a sociologist and professor at the Naval Academy, is yet another leader we can and should all look to during these complex times. Together with Carey Business School associate professor, David Smith, Brad has authored numerous books, articles, and spoken around the globe on how men can be the role models we all want and need. In their research, they have uncovered examples of masculine behaviors that are modern leadership at its best including:

• Empathy

• Generous Listening

• Humility and Curiosity

• Collaboration

• Transparency & Accountability

• Advocacy for Equity & Inclusion

• Courageous Disruption of Sexism & Racism

This list may look a lot like the tools of soft power, but as Brad and Dave teach to their male students in the military and men in the business world these are what brave leaders bring to the workplace, the home, our country, and the world at large.

Men like Imran, Sanjay, and Brad, and so many others whom I coach, advise, and collaborate with, give me hope. The “manosphere” may be strong, but the power of good men is stronger. 

Lead On!

Lisen

P.S. Brad and a few good other men who are leading the way for a new masculinity built on integrating both soft and hard power will be hosting a webinar on “The State of Men” and how to lead in these complex times on Thursday, June 26th. Register here. I hope I’ll see you there. 

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